Body Image

I've accomplished some pretty cool milestones since my last post. 16 miles and 18 miles both flew by and surprisingly went better than I thought. I'm nervous about an upcoming 20 miler this weekend, but still looking forward to it. Alas, this is not what I want to talk about today. My topic is a little more serious-body image.

I went to the beach this week and to other people's surprise, and honestly to my own, I posted pictures of myself in a bathing suit. Showing any skin for me is usually completely uncomfortable, but this year I felt mildly confident in my bathing suit. I also wanted to make up for the photos that had been posted 2 years ago (against my will) of me on the beach. Being able to take a picture of myself in a bathing suit and feel comfortable enough to put that online is weird for me, but I do feel like my body is something that I've worked hard on and something I need to take more pride in. So why is it so hard to take pride in my body?

2017

2015

I've thought about this post for a long time because somewhere in time the words "fit" and "skinny" became synonyms and I'm just tired of feeling like I'm not fit enough or like people don't see me as fit because I'm not thin. When I tell people about my physical activity or my goals with running or lifting weights, people act surprised. I could be making this all up in my head but I feel like people are thinking, "Can she really do that? She doesn't look like she's in shape." I'm tired of this stereotype and I'm also tired of how this stereotype makes me see myself. I came home and shamed myself for eating ice cream on vacation and drinking so much. Why didn't I praise myself for running 14 miles and biking 7 miles while on vacation? I have to work on how I see myself, This is something I definitely realize, but I think we also need to work on how society views humans who are in shape. I don't look like a typical runner or weight lifter, but that doesn't automatically mean I don't work hard. I know people who are much thinner than I am, but literally never partake in any physical activity. What's funny is if that person told you tomorrow they were running a marathon, you might not be surprised because in looking at them you assume they are fit. 

I'm a woman who has a BMI at the overweight level, I'm also a woman who has completed 3 half marathons in one year and is working my ass off at training for 26.2. I'm a woman who wears a size 10, and can dead lift 315 pounds. I'm a woman who eats junk food and wakes up at 5:00 four times a week for my first workout of the day. I'm a woman who is running 20 miles this weekend, a woman who has lost 50 pounds, a woman who is goal oriented and works hard to be healthy. 

Fit doesn't look a certain way. Fit can look many ways. We all need to stop shaming ourselves and each other and encourage. Let's focus on what our bodies can do. Let's change our mindsets about what fit has to look like. Let's keep sharing the stories of ourselves and others who are being successful.

Nope, still not skinny,

Lauren

Thick Skin and an Elastic Heart

SOO this weekend something pretty cool happened, but in order to appreciate it I feel like you have to know where I came from. Last year, in March, I had a blog post titled "The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done." That whole post ONE SHORT YEAR AGO was about The Heart Mini 15K. A 15K is a little over 9 miles. On Saturday, as part of training for the full marathon, I ran The Heart Mini half marathon. Last year I talked about the course being hard and this year that still held true. The course had many rolling hills, and included Torrence again which literally makes you feel like you are trudging uphill in fudge. In my last post I encouraged my readers to Google Earth the hill. I still recommend that. It's gnarly.

I knew I wanted to PR this race. I've run two half marathons and gotten progressively faster. My last half marathon was in Indianapolis, a completely flat course and I pumped it out 2:26. I really wanted to hit 2:20 or less, but I wasn't able to make it happen. This race was weird in that I wasn't really nervous. I think that had to do with it not being the end goal. The end goal is 26.2 miles, and this is just a way to get there. I made a goal that I wanted to complete the race in 2 hours and 15 minutes so I'd be shaving off 11 minutes, which I thought would be doable but challenging with this hilly of a course. My trainer challenged me to get 2:12, which I thought was impossible. I started off running with the 2:15 pacers. They were great motivators and it was nice to have them giving me the little reminders about shaking out my shoulders, etc. I stayed with them for the first 3 miles and I was feeling pretty good. At some point I got in front of them and decided to keep rolling. When I was in the middle of Torrence (AKA hill from hell) I got a text from my trainer, Megan. I looked down at my watch and saw the word "Fly!!!!!!!" This almost brought tears to my eyes because I was flipping struggling. Liz passed me on the way down and said "Just keep going girl." At this point I was heaving, but I kept my head up. On the ride down, which was a beautiful thing, I made it a point to continually cheer. Every person was fighting so hard to get up the hill and they deserved me saying "You got this," and "You look awesome!"

I started feeling slightly rough around this time and my husband text me saying that my mom and dad were in front of Brio. It was then I felt bad because it was cold outside. In order to get there in a timely manner, I couldn't slow down, I had to keep going. I finally made it to the Taylor Southgate Bridge-another hill, imagine that. I knew my parents were waiting on the other side. I saw them from afar with Liz's parents and I was able to yell "Aren't you even going to cheer me on?" I was happy because at the Pig they saw me feet from the starting line and I know I looked like I was on death's door. This time, I felt happy and still in good shape so I high fived everyone while saying, "I'm going to PR this bitch." Typical me. This left me with only about 3 more miles. This is where I had to kick it up a notch.

I crossed over the Purple People Bridge Back into Cincinnati (mile 11) and I saw the 2:10 pacer. I couldn't believe my eyes so immediately I knew I had to catch up with him. Then I passed him. I knew I had to be close to the finish line but I couldn't see it. I finally rounded the corner (after a hill, duh!) and I saw the sweet finish line. I didn't speed up until I saw T.J. yelling for me. I straight up sprinted across that finish line and saw the numbers 2:10 on the race clock. I knew that I had started after the initial time by about 2 minutes so I was immediately emotional. I hugged T.J. with tears in my eyes. I flew. Maybe not for my age group, maybe not for "race standards" but for me, I flew.

The biggest testament to all of this is that one year ago, I ran 9.3 and said it was the hardest day of my life. However, I said in that blog post that "Fat Lauren" became the girl of the past. How true that is. 9.3 miles was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life 365 days ago. Fast forward and I'm running 13.1 with an average pace under 10 minutes and feeling strong. I'm so thankful that one year ago I said goodbye to my old self.

Dedication

So I meant to post about the happenings this weekend quite sooner, but the weekend somehow took a very busy turn. I had a great time, maybe a little too much of a great time, but I'm back in action.

Saturday brought Bockfest. When I woke up it was snowing. I can't say I was quite thrilled about this. We had an 11 mile training run to the start of Bockfest where we would complete the 5k. I haven't really run in snow like this before. Although I didn't want to get out of bed and face the cold, I actually found myself having a really good time running in the snow. I will admit to loving snow and there was something very childlike about being outside playing in all the white stuff. Good thing I got in my enjoyment because it was gone by 11:00 and replaced with sunshine and high 50's later that afternoon. Mother Nature is a strange beast in Cincinnati. 

I cut out on my own because I was worried about not getting to Bockfest, but I made it with some time to meet up with my friends who were running it. I was so excited for Abby and Sarah to make their 5K debut. They were nervous when we were approaching the starting line. Abby was shaking and Sarah seemed a little more calm, but they both admitted to having some jitters. Abby had a bad stomach bug on Thursday and Friday but still made it to the race because she had worked so hard. I was proud of her for making this choice.

They both made it through the race like champs. We have been training around our school, which is nowhere near as hilly as the course in Cincinnati. When we got to mile 1, they both said it had felt a lot longer, but they kept going. I know that the finish line seemed far away for them both, but they pushed themselves to make it all the way. They had made a promise to themselves and showed a lot of dedication to cross the finish line.

My husband, T.J. found out he would be running the 5K two nights before the race because someone had dropped out. When I crossed the finish line he was thrilled to tell me that he also was able to run the whole way without stopping. T.J. could have used not training as an excuse, but he kept his pace steady and told himself he could do it. He has been doing small things to improve his overall health and it's really made a big difference. When we did Bockfest last year he had to stop and walk several times.

Be it snow, a stomach bug, under preparedness, or nerves, all of these people showed some serious dedication on Saturday. I hope they all felt some self love when they crossed that finish line, because they achieved something for themselves that not everyone has the will to do.

Also I highly recommend Bockfest because who doesn't love beer? 

Running 13 Miles and Not Getting A Medal

So far this training season, all of my runs have been great. Notice I did not say easy. They have not been easy, but I have felt super strong during the majority of them. Today I really didn't feel that way. We went up in mileage to 13 miles, which is the most I've ever run, being a half marathoner. Yesterday it was 75 degrees in Cincinnati. I was sitting outside with shorts on after school. Today I woke up to a wonderful cold front. It's hard to adjust back to cold temperatures after getting used to spring weather.

I pulled up to Lunken Airport, which is not my favorite route to run in general. I also have to mention that my legs were still extremely sore from my workout on Thursday, which included squatting 115 pounds for 40 reps and then a set that included pulsing lunges and jump squats. So really every muscle in my legs felt tight. When I got out of the car I realized just how windy it was. The first 3 miles I was just not feeling it. With the wind blowing, and being sore,and being at Lunken, which is in my opinion one of the most boring places we run, all I could keep thinking is "this sucks." I had to push those feelings aside because I knew it was a long road ahead. We got to go out into the road, which I typically prefer, but running on Eastern Avenue is not the most scenic route. Well it's actually scenic, but not in the best way... I had to dodge two couches on the sidewalk.

The last 4 miles were tempo, which means we had to speed up. I basically completed these last 4 miles alone since I had gotten ahead of my group and it was the worst part of Lunken. It's literally just a huge stretch of a tree lined path. You really don't feel like you've moved anywhere. I had to keep telling myself to finish. The last 2 miles, a wind tornado kicked in and it began snowing. At this point I just felt plain miserable. Finally-the last turn and I saw the beloved parking lot.

Today wasn't fun, I'll admit that. I do feel like my mental strength was really tested and the mental part of running long distances is tough for me. I get really down on myself at the end because I just want to be FINISHED. The important part is that I did finish and I finished strong, even though I didn't feel the greatest. I pushed through several factors today and I have the chaffed buttcheeks to show for it! It will be interesting to continue running and get my PR in mileage each week. I have to keep remembering that at one time (not so far behind me) 3 miles was my PR, 5 miles was my PR, 9 miles was my PR. I can and I will keep chugging on this journey. I'm not only training my body, I'm training my brain as well.

I told you it was windy....

The Hardest Lesson-REST

So I'll be the first to admit that I am a bit obsessive when it comes to working out. I definitely don't have the strictest diet plan, but I am very strict about my exercise. I felt like a loaf after all of the holiday resting and eating, so since the new year started, I began kicking up my exercise. Obviously I began training for the full marathon, but I also stepped up my other workouts.

Typically on Mondays I work out at 5:30 a.m. lifting weights then do a cycling class in the evening. Tuesday is a 7 mile training run. Wednesday is a weight session at 5:30 a.m. and a recovery run in the evening. Thursday is another 5:30 a.m. weight session and a fun zumba class at 5:30 p.m. Finally Friday brings my last weight training day of the week (typically arms) at 5:30 then I'm in a volleyball league in the evening. I also help some ladies train twice a week after school for a 5K. Saturday mornings are always our long run, then I take Sundays off. People may think this is crazy but I really do LOVE exercise. I don't really see it as a chore. I make the time for it because it has become one of my favorite things in life.

The last week, I felt a lot of stress. I can't really put my finger on why. With most of our weekends lately having had some sort of obligation, I think I was getting worn down. Not that these are bad obligations, they just don't leave a lot of free choice time. I kept ending up falling asleep on weekdays at 8:00 and after our obligations on weekends it would be straight home to the couch. With Tuesday being Valentine's Day, everyone kept talking about the fun things they were going to do that night, and I felt bummed about not getting to spend time with my Valentine because we had a training run. I don't really understand this because we don't really "celebrate" Valentine's Day in any special way. I think I just felt like I needed a night to take off and really enjoy something that we chose to do. When T.J. came home Tuesday night, I was just very overwhelmed and upset. T.J. expressed concern that he thought I was exhausted, so I skipped my training run and we went out to dinner instead. The next day I talked to my trainer and a workout buddy about this and the importance of rest. Rest is so hard for me. I always have irrational thoughts about rest and what it will do to all the progress I've made. It's hard to erase these thoughts and not feel worried about giving yourself some rest when you feel you have so much work to do.

The weekend brought Bridalrama where T.J. was a vendor and I helped with everything. This was not something I hated to do, but again, not a lot of free choice going on and it felt like I worked all weekend after an 11 mile run on Saturday-WAHHHHH no nap time! I was thankful to have my niece's birthday party Saturday night, where we had a great time teaching my dad to play Euchre and eating delicious food. I planned an outing for our friends on Sunday night to Top Golf since I was off today for President's Day. This was just what I needed. It was so much fun and I wasn't on the couch at 10:00 falling asleep. I didn't have any remorse about the beer or food I was consuming. I just wanted to have fun. This morning I stuck to my 5:30 a.m. workout, but came home and went to bed afterwards. When I woke up, I spent some money that I had put aside for this day (I literally saved for an off day, yes.) I bought a new outfit and dress at Old Navy. I bought a fancy, expensive, new water bottle because I was tired of mine leaking all over my shirt. I went out to lunch at one of my favorite places with T.J. Then I got the best massage every at Massage Envy in Newport (go see Amy, she's amazing!!!) I headed to Target after and bought myself the Lemonade CD by Beyonce, which I had my eye on since Spotfiy doesn't have it. Now I'm waiting for T.J. to come home from work early so we can do one more fun thing before my special day ends. So I'm skipping my typical Monday night class and instead going out to enjoy the sunshine!

Anyways, I may have gained weight this week. Who really knows? Who really cares? Okay, I do care, but I'm trying not to. I felt like I really got to press the reset button today and it was an amazing feeling. It had not occurred to me that I could be stressed or overwhelmed by something I absolutely love to do, but my body was tired and begging me to take a break. Usually my mind pushes through that, but this time, it caught up with me. Not every lesson is an easy one, and I'm sure I'll have other hiccups along the way where I'm too tired for my own good. Right now though, I am overly thankful for the last 24 hours and a week where I slowed things down a bit.

New Runner Spotlight

I mentioned before that it was one of my goals to help some others run their first 5K. I wanted to spotlight some of these participants, so first up-Abby. Abby works in our school autism unit and this is the first year we've worked together. I would do the talking, but instead I asked Abby some questions and she answered them for me!

Lauren: What made you want to start running?

Abby: I started running because I needed a lifestyle change. My grandpa recently passed from heart issues and my mom will be having a valve replacement this summer, so getting healthy definitely has a new meaning to me. I wanted to try running because that's always been a huge challenge and something I thought I could never do. I've never been a "runner" or even ran besides being required to in gym class. Once I heard about you wanting to help people run a 5K I knew that was my chance to make a change.

Me: How do you feel now verses when you started?

Abby: Running is easier now than when I first started. I never thought I would make it ten minutes on the first day, but I did. I'll never forget how it felt to actually run a mile for the first time. Having you cheer us on and the support of the girls, knowing we're all trying to accomplish the same goal, is the best feeling. I'm so proud of us and I know I wouldn't be doing this without all of them. I would have given up because that's the easiest thing. Now I know what I'm capable of and it feels pretty damn good to work hard and push myself.

Me: What's the hardest thing about running?

Abby: For me it's the hills. I know it gets easier and I can't wait!

I love that Abby speaks about having accountability. If you've tried getting onto an exercise plan before, try it again with friends. It's much easier having other people to encourage you and to support you changing your lifestyle, especially when they have similar goals. Abby has signed up for the Bockfest 5K! Send her some good vibes for her upcoming race. Great job practicing determination Abby!

Sarah, Abby, and Tina

Be Respectful of Everyone's Journey

When I was doing a regular exercise activity this week, I found myself next to someone that I am not typically around. (I am trying to keep this as ambiguous as possible out of respect, even though I would feel better about blasting her.) Anyways, there was a man who was also exercising and she and I were close by. Conversation transpired and she said "He smells bad. I couldn't stand it. I have to get away from him." This man was a larger man and perhaps not yet the most skilled at the exercise we were working on, but it literally could have been a world class exerciser and this comment STILL would have pissed me off.

Maybe he did smell. I probably smelled this morning after running last night and lifting weights at 5:30 a.m. before showering. This man was out there, trying his best to better himself. God forbid he sweats! I'm not going to lie and say that I've never made comments about other people,and I won't excuse myself, but this comment in particular bothered me because I felt like she was more harsh towards him because he wasn't "fit." I could be completely wrong in thinking that, but I have to question if the same comment would have been made about someone that looked more like her. This post is quickly turning cynical, so let me get to the point....

THE POINT IS if someone is trying, do not cut them down. It's easy to sit at home on your couch and eat potato chips. Some people can even sit at home and eat potato chips and never gain weight! It's hard to get up and exercise, especially when you are self-conscious about your body. In the past, I've been worried people were judging my jiggly butt and belly as I ran across the heavily populated Purple People Bridge. I've felt nervous to lift a light amount of weight in front of extremely muscular men and women. I've been embarrassed when a run or workout didn't go as well as I thought. Now some of those insecurities have dwindled, but I don't know many people who don't have any self doubt. There is no reason to put down somebody who is probably already feeling apprehensive about being out there anyways-a person who is probably already feeling apprehensive about other people judging them!

It's not right for anybody to judge someone's fitness journey because we have never been exactly where they have been. To all of you out there who are taking the risk to make yourself vulnerable and begin a journey for your health, I applaud you. Smelly or not, I appreciate the fact that you are working hard. I know what it's like to want to better yourself. Keep striving for greatness and push away the negativity. You are the ruler of your future and the negativity of others will only take that future away from you if you let it. Oh, and for what it's worth, I think you look damn good.